Women Who Love Too Much Are Their Own Enemies By Cheryl Roberts

21 Dec

I am not an expert on love, neither do I have all insight and answers when it comes to love and loving. But there’s this thing about women always wanting to be loved? Right? Is that a stereotype or reality or forced socialisation?

I do think that women are much too desperate for love, always believing that being loved and having a partner/married spouse is what ultimately completes them as women.

I’m not against relationships or marriage; neither am I against loving and being loved. When it comes to love – since I was a teenage girl – I’ve been there, done that, experienced love’s best moments, I’ve broken hearts and had mine shattered because of varying reasons.

What I have realized, since a long time ago and what I know works for me, is that I don’t always have to be in a relationship or have someone loving me, for the woman that I am to feel complete and be happy.

The time out from love that I take whenever I want to, is spent on myself and several other ways of loving. And when love does venture into my space, I embrace it, especially the attractive force of the beginning of the love unfolding.

How often do we know women who are only happy when they ‘are involved romantically, in a relationship, or marriage’. If these women are single or unattached then they either are miserable or feel lonely and focus relentlessly on how they must find someone. Yet, very few women talk about self-love. They don’t know the real worth of how not always being ‘involved’ and being unattached is good for their self-being and growth.

Very often when a woman’s relationship breaks down or ends, the woman feels her world has crashed altogether. Now I do know that heartache and heart break is not easy and is one of the hardest and most difficult emotions that almost all people encounter in their lifetime. But I also think that a good part of our heartbreak is linked to the thinking that we have lost ourselves, that we are not complete if we are not being loved.

I’m also of the opinion that women are socialized by society’s pressures to be loved at all times for them to be whole women and to have it all in life. For the majority of women, who also happen to be heterosexual, their whole life exists in relation to how men will see and love them, how men will be attracted to them and how they will be loved forever by a man. When this love doesn’t happen for women, she then feels that life has done her wrong and her happiness has been condemned. What women don’t want to know is that self-love is pivotal love, the love that all girls and women must start out with. Being loved by another is secondary to self love for one self. At least that’s my opinion.

Girls are socialized to believe in love, mostly from heterosexual relationships and marriage: they are taught that girls will grow up and be loved by a man who will marry them and give them love and, they in return, will give unconditional love.

But times are changing: its not just about heterosexual love but also same same-gender love. And marriage is not proving eternal and neither is love with the one and same person.

But are women too eager to give their love away in the hope they will receive the love they yearn for? Do women only feel complete when they are being loved by another?

Falling in love, sharing and giving love is one of life’s most blessed, and ofcourse exhilirating moments, that’s when you are giving your love to the one that is loving you.

But is this constant yearning for love not more of a negative than a positive? Many women only feel happy and satisfied when they are being loved romantically by another and in a relationship and marriage status with another.

Some of my most satisfying-in-love moments and journeys haven not been encountered and experienced with romantic love, but with being in love with myself and what I was doing, for instance, writing, traveling, conversation friendship, animal love.

I dislike being attached all of the time, it’s not because I’m selfish and don’t want to share me. It’s rather because I love me so much and because being attached and in a relationship, couples me with another individual, when being with me is so imperative to my happiness.

I don’t need to be in a relationship 24/7 or year round. And neither do I need everyone on social media to know I am being loved and sharing love. Who I’m sharing love with is between myself and the person, definitely not with most others I don’t event know like on social media sites.

There’s this line in a song by fairground attraction how ‘young hearts are foolish, they give their love away’ and there’s another by Candi Staton, ‘young hearts run free, don’t be hung up like my man and me’.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with love, loving, being loved and sharing love: but there is going to be much wrong when a woman finds she can’t be happy without romantic love from another. And then you get the woman who loves so deeply, without reservation and gets her love abused and misused in the name of love.

‘I love you with all my heart and soul’ means so much and its quite astounding to think how women are prepared to be doing this all the time, no matter what the costs, for instance, if they’ve just come out of a relationship, or ended a love affair then they must and want to be loving soonest again and saying the words.

This feeling of not feeling complete if you are not being loved by another is a perpetual feeling of depression for women who think that life is about going to school, maybe tertiary education, work/career and then marriage.

Life should not be and does not have to be like that because you are placing unnecessary pressure on yourself to want to be loved to feel complete. And it’s because of this feeling, which is mostly close to a desperate plea, that women get involved with romantic/love liasons, when love isn’t there and doesn’t have a choice of being grown or developed.

Girls must be socialized to believe and know that their self-love completes them and love from another will add to their love. Women must not be their own enemy by feeling that only if they have love from another, in most instances this means a man, that they are ‘real and complete women’. This dependence on being loved, seemingly paralyses women’s emotions who eventually believe that only men make them happy.

When women understand that their existence, happiness and worth as a woman is not dependent on a man, when they realise they have been forcefully socialised to believe that men are pivotal to a woman’s being and happiness in life, perhaps then they will understand the root of their existence and being does not have to be connected to a man for them to be complete, liberated and free.

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